Jessica and Joyce were best friends in ninth grade. They did almost everything together. Then one day, after a misunderstanding, Joyce stopped talking to Jessica. For more than three months, Joyce refused to talk to Jessica or answer her notes. “During that time, I found out what an important friend she was,” Jessica says. “I couldn't even concentrate when I was studying. I just thought about how to mend our friendship.”
The next semester2, Jessica tried again. This time, Joyce was willing to work it out. It took some time and effort, but the friendship was healed.
Most of us have suffered the pain of broken friendships. But the good news is that most friendships can be mended.
Oxford professor Michael Argyle recently finished a 15-year study that explored what makes people happy. What did he find? The key to happiness is having one close relationship and a network3 of friends. Other studies show that our social connections make us healthier and more resilient4 to stress. Maintaining long-lasting, healthy friendships is worth the effort!
If there's a broken friendship you'd like to mend, try the following advice.
Give your friend the benefit of the doubt5.
It's easy to assume6 the worst. But if a friend has hurt you, he may not even realize he's done so.
Matt, an American doctoral7 student, remembers two friendships broken by hurtful words. Both relationships were later healed.
“It's probably true that if someone hurts you, they should have known better,” Matt says. “But the fact is we are all human and we mess things up8. You need to give people the benefit of the doubt because you will need that, as well.”
Take the initiative9 to communicate with your friend.
If you've been hurt, your instinct is probably to pull away10 and protect yourself. But if you do this, the friendship will likely die.
“You need to reach out,” says 20-year-old Jamie, who has restored11 several broken friendships. “Friendships get broken when trust is lost. Both friends need to reach out and demonstrate12 they are trustworthy13.”
Be the first to apologize.
Even if you were hurt, apologize for anything you did wrong. Give up your right to be proven right. Otherwise the conflict14 won't be forgotten, as it should be.
Walk through the conflict together.
Start by trying to see things from your friend's point of view. Talk about the problems openly but kindly.
At first, Jessica didn't understand why Joyce stopped talking to her. Then Joyce finally explained that Jessica's teasing15 bothered her. “I finally found out she was angry because I teased her in front of the boys in our class,” Jessica explained. Jessica meant nothing by her teasing and thought it shouldn't bother Joyce. But when she accepted that it was embarrassing16 to Joyce, she stopped. Then their friendship could heal.
Accept the fact that friendship may change.
Nicole and Michelle had been best friends since preschool. But in college, Michelle suddenly pulled away. “We didn't talk to each other for a while, then tried to reconcile17, ”Nicole says, “But we're just polite acquaintances18 now.”
It's normal for friendships to change. Often two friends just drift apart. Problems come when one friend tries to hang on19 while the other friend lets go.
If your friend isn't willing to work things out, accept it and move on. But if you are able to reconcile, you'll have a friendship that's tried-and-true20!
在九年级时，杰西卡和乔伊丝是最好的朋友。她们几乎形影不离。后来有一天，因为一次误会，乔伊丝不再和杰西卡讲话。有3个多月，乔伊丝拒绝和杰西卡讲话或是回复她的纸条。“在那一段时间，我终于发现她的确是个重要的朋友。” 杰西卡说，“我甚至无法专心念书，我光想着如何修补我们之间的友谊。”
接下来的那个学期，杰西卡再次尝试。这一次，乔伊丝也愿意消除误会。确实花了一些时间和精力，但这段友谊最终得以修复。
我们大多数人都曾因友谊破裂而痛苦。但有个好消息——多数友谊是可以修复的。
牛津大学教授麦可·阿尔盖尔最近完成了一项15年之久的研究，研究探讨了使人们快乐的原因。他发现了什么？原来快乐的关键在于拥有一份亲密的关系以及一个朋友网络；另一项研究显示我们的社会联系能让我们更健康，面对压力更有弹性。因此维系持续又健康的友谊是值得努力的！
如果想修复一份破裂的友谊，你可以尝试下列建议。
在未经证实之前，愿意假设你的朋友是无辜的
我们都很容易做最坏的假设。但如果有个朋友伤害了你，他可能并没意识到这一点。
美国一位博士生麦特，想起了两段因恶语伤人而致破裂的友谊，但这两段友谊不久后都得到修复。
“我们或许可以这么想，如果有人伤害到你，他应该知道那是不对的，”麦特说，“但事实是我们都是人，而我们都会把事情搞砸。你需要在事实未经证实之前，先假定你的朋友是无辜的，因为你也希望别人同样待你。”
主动和你的朋友沟通
如果你受了伤，你的直觉很可能是抽身离开以保护你自己。但如果你这么做，这段友谊很可能就会完了。
“你要采取主动，”曾修复几次破裂友谊的20岁的杰米说，“友谊因失去信任而破裂，两人都需要走出来表明他们是值得信赖的。”
做第一个道歉的人
即使你受了伤，仍要为你做错的事道歉。放弃证明自己没有做错的权利，否则你会忘不掉应该遗忘的冲突。
共同面对冲突
试着从朋友的角度来看待事物，敞开心扉但和气地讨论问题。
刚开始的时候，杰西卡不明白为什么乔伊丝不再和她说话。最后乔伊丝终于解释说杰西卡的取笑让她很受不了。“我终于发现她生气是因为我在我们班的男生面前取笑她。” 杰西卡解释说。杰西卡的取笑并无恶意，她认为应该不会惹乔伊丝生气。但当她意识到这会使乔伊丝感觉难堪后，她就不再这么做了。她们的友谊得以修复。
接受友谊会改变的事实
妮可和米雪儿从托儿所开始就是最好的朋友。但到了大学，米雪儿突然不理她了。“有一段时间我们不和对方说话，后来又试着和解，”妮可说，“但我们现在仅是礼貌的点头之交。”
友谊会改变是很正常的事，有时两个朋友会渐行渐远。当其中一人试图抓住这份友谊、但另一个人却放手时，问题就来了。
如果你的朋友就是不愿意重修旧好，那就接受事实并继续自己的生活吧。但如果你有能力和解的话，那么你就拥有了一份经得起考验的友谊了！
1. heal v． 治愈
2． semester n． 学期
3． network n． 网络
4． resilient adj． 有回弹力的
5． the benefit of the doubt 因证据不足而承认某人无错
6． assume v． 假定
7． doctoral adj． 博士的
8． mess up 弄糟
9． initiative n． 主动
10． pull away 脱身，离开
11． restore v． 恢复
12． demonstrate v． 示范，证明
13． trustworthy adj． 可信赖的
14． conflict n． 冲突
15． tease v． 戏弄
16． embarrassing adj． 令人尴尬的
17． reconcile v． 使和解，使和谐
18． acquaintance n． 相识，熟人
19． hang on 坚持
20． tried－and－true 经过考验的