The first notice that was taken of me when I “settled down1” recently, was by a gentleman who said he was an assessor2, a word that I did not understand very well. I said I had never heard of his branch of business before, but I was very glad to see him in spite of that—would he sit down? He sat down. I did not have anything particular3 to say, but I felt that people who have arrived at the important position of keeping a house must be conversational4, must be easy and friendly in society5. So, as I could think of nothing else to say, I asked him if he was opening his shop in our neighbourhood.
He said he was. (I did not wish to appear to know nothing, but I had hoped he would mention what he had for sale.)
“How is trade?”6 I asked him. And he said, “Fair.”
I then said we would visit his shop, and if we liked it as well as any other, we would give him our business7.
He said he thought we would like his place of business well enough to use no other — he said he had never met anybody who would go off and hunt up8 another man in the same kind of business after trading with him once9.
That sounded rather too confident; but the man looked honest enough.
I do not know how it happened exactly, but gradually we appeared to become more friendly in our conversation, and then everything went along very comfortably.
We talked and talked and talked — at least I did; and we laughed and laughed and laughed — at least he did. But all the time my mind was working hard. I was determined to find out all about his business in spite of his mysterious10 answers — and I was determined that I would get it out of him without him knowing what I was doing11. I intended to trap him with a deep, deep trick12. I would tell him all about my own business; and he would naturally grow to like me so much that he would forget to be careful, and he would tell me all about his affairs before he realized what I was trying to do.
I thought of saying to him, “Sir, you little know what a clever person you are dealing with.” But I said:
“Now you would never guess how much money I made giving talks to13 people this winter and last spring.”
“No—I don't believe I could, to save my life14. Let me see—let me see. About two thousand dollars, perhaps? But no; no, sir, I know you couldn't have made so much as that. Say seventeen hundred?”
“Ha! ha! I knew you couldn't guess. I received for my talks last spring and this winter fourteen thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars. What do you think of that?”
“Well, it's very surprising—that's a very large amount of money. I will make a note of it. And you say even this wasn't all?”
“All! My dear sir, there was my income from the newspaper —the Daily Warwhoop15—for four months—about—about— well, what would you say to about eight thousand dollars, for example?”
“Say! Well, I should say I should like to see myself rolling in16 just such an ocean of money. Eight thousand! I'll make a note of it. Well, man17! And in addition to all this, am I to understand that you had still more income?”
“Ha! ha! ha! You're only at the beginning of it. I wrote a book—The Innocents Abroad18— price three and a half to five dollars, according to the cover. Listen to me. Look me in the eye19. During the last four months and a half, not to mention sales before that, but just simply during the four months and a half, we've sold ninety-five thousand copies of that book, ninety-five thousand! Think of it. Average four dollars a copy, perhaps. It's nearly four hundred thousand dollars, my dear sir. I get half.”
“Good heavens! I'll write that down. Fourteen-seven-fifty-eight -two hundred. Total, about—well, I can hardly believe it—the total is about two hundred and thirteen or fourteen thousand dollars! Is that possible?”
“Possible! If there's any mistake, it's the other way20. It's more. Two hundred and fourteen thousand is my income for this year, if I know how to add up.”
Then the gentleman got up to go. I thought with discomfort21 that perhaps I had told all these secrets for nothing, besides being persuaded to make them a lot greater because of the stranger's surprised cries. But no; at the last moment the gentleman handed me a large envelope, and said that it contained everything I might like to know about his business; and that he would be happy to have my business — would in fact be proud to have the business of a man with such a large income; and that he used to think there were a number of rich men in the city, but when they came to trade with him, he discovered that they hardly had enough to live on; and that, in truth, it had been such a long, long time since he had seen a rich man face to face, and talked with him, and touched him with his hands, that he could hardly stop himself from throwing his arms around me22—in fact, he would be very grateful if I would let him throw his arms around me.
This so pleased me that I did not try to stop him, but allowed this simple-hearted stranger to throw his arms around me. And then he went on his way.
As soon as he had gone, I opened his envelope. I studied the papers carefully for four minutes. I then called the cook, and said:
“Hold me while I faint.”
Ah, what an evil man he was! His envelope contained nothing in the world except a form on which to record my income for the purpose of income tax—a long list of impolite questions about my private affairs, filling the best part of four long pages of small print23—questions, I may say, formed with such wonderful skill that the oldest and wisest man in the world couldn't understand the meaning of most of them—questions, too, that were designed to make a man report about four times his actual income to stop himself telling a lie. I looked for a way out of my troubles, but there did not appear to be any. Inquiry Number 124 covered my case25 generously26 and completely:
What were your profits, during the past year, from any trade, business, or work, wherever carried on?
And that inquiry was followed by 13 others of an equally searching nature27. The gentlest of them demanded information about whether I had been a robber on the open road, or whether I had set fire to anything, or had any other secret way of getting money, or had received any property which was not mentioned in my statement of income as stated28 opposite Inquiry Number 1.
It was very clear that the stranger had let me make a fool of myself. By encouraging my pride29, the stranger had persuaded me to admit to an income of two hundred and fourteen thousand dollars. It appeared that by law one thousand of this was free from income tax—which was only a drop in the ocean30. At the legal rate of five percent, I had to pay over to the Government in tax the terrible sum of ten thousand six hundred and fifty dollars!
(I should say, at this stage31, that I did not do it.)
I know a very wealthy man whose house is a palace, whose table is kingly, who spends a great deal, but a man who has no income, as I have often noticed when looking at the list of taxes paid by other citizens. And to him I went for advice.
He took my papers, he put on his glasses, he picked up his pen, and suddenly—I was a very poor man. It was the neatest thing that ever was32. He did it simply by cleverly arranging the list of allowances33.
He wrote down my “state, national and city taxes34” as so much35; my “losses by flood, fire and so on” as so much; my “losses on sales of property”, and “animals sold”, on “payments for rent of home”, on “repairs and improvements” as so much. He wrote down “salary, already taxed, as an officer of the United States army or other service” as so much. He wrote down other things. He found unbelievable amounts to set against36 my income from each one of these allowances37—each and every one 38 of them. And when he had finished, he handed me the paper, and I saw immediately that during the year my income, as profits39, had been one thousand two hundred and fifty dollars and forty cents.
“Now,”he said, “the thousand dollars is free from tax by law. What you must do is to go and swear that this information is true and then pay tax on the two hundred and fifty dollars.”
(While he was making this speech, his little boy Willie lifted40 a two-dollar note out of his pocket and disappeared with it, and I feel quite sure that if my stranger went to see that little boy tomorrow, the boy would tell lies about his income.)
“Do you,”said I, “do you always arrange the allowances in this way for your own income, sir?”
“Well, of course. If we didn't have those 11 questions under the heading of allowances, I would become a beggar every year in order to support this hateful and evil, this cruel and terrible government.”
This gentleman stands very high among41 the very best of the rich men of the city—the men of moral value, of high business standards, of great social standing42—and so I accepted his suggestion. I went down to the tax office, and under the cold eyes of my previous visitor I stood up and swore to lie after lie, trick after trick, until my soul was coated with a thick layer of lies and my self-respect was gone forever43.
1. settle down：意为“定居下来”，文中引号表明讲述者对于能够购置房产定居下来感到洋洋得意，也为他在陌生人面前夸富埋下伏笔。
2. assessor n. （财产）评估员；估税员
3. particular adj. 特别的
4. I felt … conversational 意为“我认为能够拥有房产的人应该善于与人交谈。”暗示讲述者对于拥有房子颇为自得。
5. in society在社交时，在与人打交道时
6. How is trade? 生意怎样？
7. we would give him our business我们会照顾他的生意。这里，来访者语焉不详的回答被误会为是开店的。正是这种误会使讲述者想在店主面前炫耀自己的财富。
8. hunt up寻找
9. after trading with him once意为“跟他做过一回生意之后”。一般人交税后自然不会找别的税务官再交一次税，所以作为税务官的来访者说任何人跟他打过交道之后不会再找第二个人。而故事的讲述者不明就里，还以为他生意做得好，能留住顾客，故而越发想在他面前炫耀自己有钱。
10. mysterious adj. 神秘的
11. without him knowing what I was doing ：不让他知道我在干什么。意即要通过自己的东扯西拉、高谈阔论，让对方失去警惕，不由自主露出底细。这一打算也是故事讲述者大吹特吹自己有钱的原因之一。
12. trap sb. with a tirck 设计让某人上当
13. give talks to 作演讲
14. to save my life： 这里意为“打死我（我也猜不出）”
15. the Daily Warwhoop 作者捏造的一家报纸名
16. roll in 在…里打滚
17. Well, man 这里是语气词，表示惊叹。
18. The Innocents Abroad 马克·吐温著名小说之一。中译名为《傻子国外旅行记 》
19. Look me in the eye 意为“看着我的眼睛”，这表示说话者讲的事情千真万确，决不撒谎。
20. it's the other way 这个习语表示与预期的情况相反。这里意为“说少了。”
21. with discomfort 懊恼地
22. throw someone's arms around sb. 紧紧拥抱某人
23. filling the best part of four long pages of small print占据了小字体的4页打印纸的大部分空间
24. Inquiry Number 1 第一个问题
25. covered my case 涵盖了我的情况
26. generously adv. 此处意为“笼统地”
27. inquiry of an equally searching nature 同样刁钻的问题
28. as stated 按规定
29. By encouraging my pride 虚荣心得到怂恿
30. a drop in the ocean 沧海一粟，微不足道
31. at this stage 眼下
32. It was the neatest thing that ever was 这事办得干净利落极了。
33. allowance n. 免税额
34. state, national and city taxes 交给州、国家和市政府的税。美国税收分三级收取。
35. so much 这里的意思不是“如此之多”，而是表示一个不确定的数目或数字
36. set against 从……扣除，抵销
37. 此句意为：他计算出一大笔惊人的数目，然后从我的收入中扣除每一笔免税额。
38. each and every one 为each one的一种强调形式
39. profit n. 收益
40. lift v. 偷拿
41. stand very high among ... 在……中地位很高
42. the men of moral value, of high business standards, of great social standing：有道德的人、遵守商业规则的人、社会地位高的人。
43. 此句意为：我走进税务局，在先前拜访我的那人的冷眼注视下，站起来发誓，说着谎言复谎言、骗局继骗局的誓言。直到我的心全被厚厚的谎言包围，我的自尊消失得无影无踪。