Set Your Own Expectations
“I was so proud of my 93 in math... until someone who got a 100 asked what I got. Suddenly I felt terrible about my 93! I had to remind myself it doesn’t matter what that person got or thinks about my grade. The only thing that matters is whether I’m happy with it.”
—Mike, age 16, N.J.
Just because your mom always wished you stuck with piano lessons doesn’t mean you have to become the next Beethoven. Learn to recognize the difference between your own personal goals and someone else’s. Set high expectations for yourself, but be sure those expectations make sense for you... not for anyone else. Don’t let comparisons throw you off course. Jack may be a better tennis player than you, but you still have every right to be proud of your killer backhand2!
Look at the Whole Picture
“Because of my learning disability, I’ve had to work extra hard and learn new strategies3 to do well in school. But it’s also taught me that everyone has things that are hard for them, and everyone has things that they do really well. No one does everything well or everything badly.”
—Melanie, age 17, Va.
Have you ever glanced at a gorgeous4 model and thought, “Darn it5, why can’t I be perfect like she is?” Easy: because she’s not perfect. Just because you don’t see flaws6 doesn’t mean they’re not there. So why aren’t you seeing that your pretty neighbor struggles with acne7? Maybe it’s because part of you likes believing that perfection is possible. Maybe it even feels inspiring in some weird8 way to compare yourself to these “flawless” girls—it gets you motivated9, right? Sure. Unfortunately, it motivates you to aim for an impossible goal, which leads straight to Pressure City.
Focus on your strengths. Start by recognizing those things you’re naturally good at. If you can draw the world’s cutest kittens, if you always give your friends smart advice or know just how to make them laugh, let yourself appreciate those qualities the way you appreciate other’s strengths. Keep a list of your own talents and add to it often. And from now on, when you find a “perfect” person, remind yourself that if you could see her as clearly as you see yourself, she’d have as many flaws as you... or anyone else.
Learn to Accept Criticism
“When my dad kept correcting my ice-skating moves, it made me want to quit. But when I told him I felt pressured, he said I should focus on improving rather than getting upset that I’m not perfect. Slowly, I realized he had a point. The next time I showed up for practice with my coach, she said everything was looking really great!”
—Tony, age 16, British Columbia
When your coach barks,“Can’t you run any faster?!” the only message you hear may be, “You’re not good enough.” And that makes you want to put your hands over your ears and just stop listening.
But consider this: If the criticism comes from someone who truly has your best interests at heart, it may contain valuable information that can help you improve. Instead of shutting him out10 try to open yourself up to the possibility that your criticizer might be even just a little bit correct.
It may be hard to appreciate this when you’re feeling criticized, but the person is giving you an honest opinion and may sincerely be trying to help, if you listen, you might learn something.
Be Your Own Best Friend
“Whenever I watch TV, there’s some show on about celebrities. They always look so pretty, and it gets me thinking about how I never look that good. But then I think to myself, you’re pretty in your own way, especially on the inside. And I think about how special I really am.”
—Lindsay, age 15, Md.
If your best friend blurted out11 that she felt ugly, would you just stand there as the poor girl sobbed... or worse, agree with her? Of course not! You’d rush to remind your friend of all the ways she rocks. So why not treat yourself with the same kindness? Next time you hear yourself thinking negative thoughts about you because you’re not perfect. Pretend you’re your own best friend. Remind yourself of what matters in your life: your health, your values, your friends and family, your inner beauty. Reassure yourself as often as you need to... before the unfair comparisons take over.
Remember, you have the power to make yourself crazy trying to be perfect (whatever that means), but you also have the power to make yourself happy—and to love the person you are. And being perfect? You’re too busy being you to bother with that!
确定期望值
“数学得了93分，我自豪极了……直到得了100的人问我考了多少分。我突然觉得自己的93真糟糕！我只好提醒自己，那人得多少分或者怎么看我的分数无关紧要，重要的只是我是否满意。”
——麦克，16岁，新泽西州
就因为妈妈老想让你坚持上钢琴课，并不意味着你就得成为下一个贝多芬。学会区分你自己的个人目标与别人对你的期望。为自己定下较高的目标，但这个目标一定要对自己、而不是对别人有意义。别让攀比让你偏离了方向。杰克可能网球比你打得好，但你仍然有权为自己的杀手锏——反手击球自豪。
全面衡量
“因为我有学习障碍，我得格外刻苦地学习，还要讲究学习策略，成绩才会好。但这也教我懂得：每个人都有难以做到的事情，每个人也有做起来得心应手的事情。没有人什么都能做好或者什么都做不好。”
——梅兰妮，17岁，弗吉尼亚州
你有没有盯着一个靓丽的模特想：“该死，为什么我就不能像她这么完美呢？”这容易回答：因为她并不完美。仅仅因为没看见缺点并不表示它们不存在。为什么没有看到漂亮的邻座也在为青春痘烦恼呢？原因也许是你内心有种想法，愿意相信完美是可以做到的；也许拿自己跟这些“完美无瑕”的女孩相比——这种古怪的方法让你觉得受激励，让你有了动力，对吧？正是这样。可不幸的是，它激发你瞄准了一个不可能实现的目标，径直将你引向“压力之城”。
关注自己的强项。首先找出你天生就擅长的事情。如果你能画出可爱之极的小猫咪，如果你总能为朋友出金点子、知道如何让他们开怀大笑，那就为此自我欣赏吧，就像你欣赏别人的优点一样。将自己的特长逐一记下来并不断去充实。从现在开始，每当发现一个“完人”，就要提醒自己：如果你眼中的她能如你眼中的自己那么清晰，那么她和你以及随便哪个人一样，也会有很多缺点。
学会接受批评
“当爸爸不停地纠正我的滑冰动作时，我直想放弃。可我告诉他我觉得有压力，他说我应该想着提高，而不是为自己不够完美而沮丧。慢慢地我明白了他话里的道理。后来我和教练练习时，她说我的每一个动作都做得棒极了！”
——托尼，16岁，加拿大英属哥伦比亚省
如果你的教练大吼：“你就不能跑得再快点儿？！”你实际上听到的意思可能是“你不够好。”这样你想用双手捂住耳朵不再往下听。
不妨这样想：如果批评来自真心为你好的人，其可贵之处在于能帮助你提高。不要回避批评你的人；相反，虚心听取，哪怕批评你的人可能只有那么一点儿正确。
对别人的批评心存感激可能很难，但是批评你的人是在给你一个真诚的建议，而且可能是想真心帮助你。如果你听进去了，你就会有所收获。
做自己最好的朋友
“不管我什么时候看电视，总有些节目是关于名人的。他们看起来总是那么美，我就想我怎么从来不会那么好看。不过我又对自己说：“你有你的美，尤其是内在美。然后我就想想自己的特别之处。”
——琳赛，15岁，马里兰州
如果你最好的朋友突然说她觉得自己丑，你会站在一边看那个可怜的女孩哭吗？或者更糟，认为她说得对？当然不会！你会马上提醒朋友她的所有动人之处。那么为什么不以同样的方式善待自己呢？下次你开始否定自己不完美的时候，假装你是自己最好的朋友，想想自己生活中至关重要的东西：你的健康、价值观、朋友、家人和你的内在美。只要需要，就常常肯定自己，别让不公平的攀比心理占了上风。
记住，你有权力争取完美(不论它是何种完美)，但你也有权力使自己快乐——去爱真实的自己吧。至于完美？做自己还忙不过来呢，哪还有心思为它烦恼！
1. strive for 奋斗, 争取
2. backhand n. 反手击球
3. strategy n. 策略
4. gorgeous adj. 光彩照人的
5. darn it <口>该死
6. flaw n. 缺点, 瑕疵
7. acne n. 痤疮, 粉刺
8. weird adj. 怪异的, 神秘的,
9. motivate v. 给…动力
10. shut out 关在外面, 排除
11. blurt out 脱口而出