Frank: What? Dinner? What, you don’t talk anymore? Why not? You can talk. You just choose not to? Is that Nietzsche1? You don’t speak because of Friedrich Nietzsche. Far out2.
Frank: So who do you hang out with? No one?(Dwayne writes: I hate everyone.) What about your family? (Dwayne: everyone)
Frank: So, Sheryl, I couldn’t help noticing Dwayne has stopped speaking.
Sheryl: Oh, yeah, he’s taken a vow of silence. He’s gonna join the Air Force Academy3, become a test pilot and he’s taken a vow of silence until he reaches that goal.
Frank: You’re kidding?
Frank’s Accident
Olive: Hi, Uncle Frank. What happened to your arms?
Frank: I had a little accident. I’m okay.
Olive: How did it happen? Your accident.
Sheryl: Honey, here.
Frank: Oh, no, it’s okay. Unless you object.
Sheryl: No, I’m, I’m pro-honesty here. I just think, it’s up to you. Olive, um, Uncle Frank didn’t really have an accident. What happened was he... tried to kill himself.
Olive: You did? Why?
Richard: I’m sorry. I don’t think this is an appropriate4 conversation. Honey, let’s let Uncle Frank finish his dinner, okay? Shh.
Olive: Why did you want to kill yourself?
Richard: No, don’t answer the question, Frank.
Frank: I wanted to kill myself-
Richard: Don’t listen to him.
Frank: I was very unhappy.
Richard: He’s sick in his head.
Sheryl: Richard!
Richard: I’m sorry! I don’t think it’s an appropriate conversation for a seven-year-old.
Sheryl: She’s gonna find out anyway.
Richard: Okay.
Olive: Why were you unhappy?
Frank: Um, well, there are a lot of reasons. Mainly, though, I fell in love with someone who didn’t love me back.
Olive: Who?
Frank: One of my grad students. I was very much in love with him.
Olive: Him? It was a boy? You fell in love with a boy? That’s silly.
Frank: You’re right. It was silly. It was very, very silly.
Olive: So, that’s when you tried to kill yourself?
Frank: Well, no. The boy that I was in love with fell in love with another man—Larry Sugarman.
Sheryl: Who’s Larry Sugarman?
Frank: Larry Sugarman is perhaps the second most highly regarded Proust scholar in the U.S. Richard: Who’s number one?
Frank: That would be me, Rich.
Richard: Really?
Frank: Mm-hmm.
Olive: So that’s when.
Frank: No. What happened was I was a bit upset so I said some things that I shouldn’t have said and I did some things that I shouldn’t have done and subsequently5 I was fired from my job and forced to move out of my apartment and move into a motel.
Olive: And that’s when you tried to-
Frank: Well, no. Actually, all of that was okay. What happened was two days ago the MacArthur Foundation, in its infinite6 wisdom awarded a genius grant to Larry Sugarman. And that’s when I—
Grandpa: Decided to check out7 early.
Frank: Yes. Yes. And I failed at that as well.
Richard: Olive. The important thing to understand here is that uncle Frank gave up himself. He made a series of foolish choices, he gave up himself and that’s just something the winners never do.
The Nine Steps
Richard: So finally I’m just sitting there and I decide, you know, “This is Stan Grossman. What the hell?” And I start pitching8 him the nine steps. And about—I don’t know—two minutes in, he stops me, he says, “I can sell this.”
Frank: Mm-hmm. Interesting.
Richard: Yeah, and this is the guy who knows how to do it. You know, you start with a book, and then you do a media tour, corporate events, DVD, VHS9 series. I mean, there’s a whole fascinating10 science into how you roll these things out11.
Frank: Wow.
Richard: Yeah, so he’s in Scottsdale12 right now, you know... building the buzz13 and kind of getting the whole hype14 thing going. He’s doing what the pros call a ticking clock auction.
Frank: Oh, how about that!?
Richard: Yeah, and I can detect that note of sarcasm15 there, Frank.
Frank: What sarcasm? I didn’t—I didn’t hear it.
Richard: But I want you to know something. I feel sorry for you.
Frank: You do? Good.
Richard: Yeah, I do. Because sarcasm is the refuge of losers.
Frank: It is? Really?
Richard: Yep. Sarcasm is losers trying to bring winners down to their level and that’s step four in the program.
Frank: Wow, Richard, you’ve really opened my eyes to what a loser I am. How much do I owe you for those pearls of wisdom?
Richard: That one’s on the house16.
弗兰克：什么？晚饭？怎么，你什么都不说吗？为什么？你会说话，只是不想说？那是尼采？你不说话就是因为弗里德里希·尼采。真新鲜。
弗兰克：那你跟谁出去玩？没人？（韦恩写道：我恨所有人。）你的家人呢？（韦恩：所有人）
弗兰克：嗯，希瑞，我发现韦恩不跟人讲话。
希瑞：对，他在履行沉默誓约。他要进入空军学院，做试飞员。达到那个目标前，他要遵守沉默誓约。
弗兰克：开玩笑！
舅舅的事故
奥利弗：嗨，弗兰克舅舅，你的胳膊怎么了？
弗兰克：我出了点事故。没什么。
奥利弗：怎么发生的，你的事故？
希瑞：亲爱的，瞧这儿。
弗兰克：哦，没事，没什么。只要你不介意。
希瑞：是的，我不介意。我只是觉得，该由你决定。奥利弗，呃，舅舅没发生什么事故。事实的真相是…他想自杀。
奥利弗：你要自杀？为什么？
理查德：对不起。我认为这种谈话不合适。亲爱的，让舅舅吃完饭，好吗？嘘。
奥利弗：为什么你要自杀？
理查德：别，别回答，弗兰克。
弗兰克：我想自杀，因为……
理查德：别听他的。
弗兰克：我很不开心。
理查德：他脑子有病。
希瑞：理查德！
理查德：对不起！我认为这种谈话不合适，她只有7岁。
希瑞：她迟早会知道的。
理查德：好吧。
奥利弗：为什么你不开心？
弗兰克：呃，有很多原因。不过，最主要的是，我爱上了一个不爱我的人
奥利弗：谁？
弗兰克：一个我毕业班的学生。我非常爱他。
奥利弗：他？一个男生？你爱上一个男生？太蠢了。
弗兰克：说得对。是很蠢。非常非常蠢。
奥利弗：所以，这时你就要自杀？
弗兰克：呃，不是。我爱上的男生爱上了另一个男人——拉瑞·休格曼。
希瑞：谁是拉瑞·休格曼？
弗兰克：美国第二著名的普鲁斯特学家。
理查德：谁是第一？
弗兰克：应该是我，理查。
理查德：真的？
弗兰克：嗯，是的。
奥利弗：就在那时？
弗兰克：不是。事实是我有点心烦意乱于是说了些不该说的话，做了些不该做的事。结果我被解雇了，被迫搬离公寓，住进了汽车旅馆。
奥利弗：你就在这时想……
弗兰克：呃，不是。实际上这些都没关系。可是两天前麦克阿瑟基金会，无比聪明地授予拉瑞·休格曼天才奖。那时我……
爷爷：决定早点了事。
弗兰克：对，对。可我也失败了。
理查德：奥利弗，最重要的事实是舅舅放弃了他自己。他做了一系列愚蠢的选择。他自我放弃了，那是赢家决不会做的事情。
九步成功法
理查德：于是，最终我坐在那儿，我决定，你明白，“这可是斯坦·格鲁斯曼。干吗不呢？”然后我开始向他介绍九步成功法。 然后过了——我不知道——两分钟吧，他打断我，说：“我可以拿来卖。”
弗兰克：呃，很有意思。
理查德：是啊，他是这行的专家。你知道，先出书、再开发布会，然后成立公司，再出DVD光盘、家庭录像等等。我意思是，整套做法背后都有一套迷人的理论。
弗兰克：哇。
理查德：是的，所以他目前在斯科特德，你知道……四处散步小道消息和做各种宣传活动。他做的是内行人称的闹钟行当。
弗兰克：噢，觉得如何？
理查德：我可以察觉到你的讽刺，弗兰克。
弗兰克：什么讽刺？我都没——没在听。
理查德：但我想让你知道，我为你感到难过。
弗兰克：是吗？好极了。
理查德：是的。因为讽刺是失败者用来躲避的招数。
弗兰克：是吗？真的么？
理查德：没错。讽刺是失败者想把胜利者拉下水与他们处于同一水平，也是成功法里的第四步。
弗兰克：哇，理查德，你真让我大开眼界，让我认识到自己是什么样的失败者了。我要为你这些智者之论付多少钱？
理查德：这个免费。
1. Nietzsche 尼采（1844—1900），德国哲学家
2. far out （俚）非同寻常的；前卫的
3. air force academy 空军军官学校
4. appropriate adj. 合适的
5. subsequently adv. 后来
6. infinite adj. 无限的
7. check out (to die) （俚）早点去死
8. pitch v. 解释
9. Video Home System 家用录像系统
10. fascinating adj. 醉人的
11. roll out 揭示
12. 位于美国亚利桑那州
13. build the buzz 做宣传
14. hype [haip] n. 大做广告
15. sarcasm n. 挖苦；讽刺
16. on the house （俚）免费的