[远灯行系列] Living Pain

　　Living pain. 　
　　——a traversing between Andy and I. I don’t know why, why this is happening to me. Andy is just a character from a Sharon Draper’s book ‘Tears of a tiger.’ And I am a person in real life. But I feel sort of connected, to the person above heaven. This sounds crazy but true. I can hear his calls; feel his pain, spreading into the empty air. 　 小荷作文网 www.zww.cn
　　[Whispers from Andy] 　 小 荷 作文网 www.zww.cn
　　It’s all my fault. My fault. I shouldn’t be drinking and driving. And I killed Robbie. 　
　　I wanted to die right after the accident. I should be the dead one, not Robbie. I mean, he had his life all planned and I’m sure he’ll do great when he comes to his age. But I? I don’t know anything yet, it’s like I can’t see the future, and my eyes are blinded by the darkness. Yes, the darkness surrounding me tightly, choking me to death.  Most of all, no one will care if I was gone. 　
　　Right. I’ve got no one around me. Mum, she’s too…well, unreasonable. We never open our hearts to each other, we kind of stay out of each other’s ways. Dad is plainly lame, he never talks, he yells. And all he cared about was good grades, which I haven’t got. I stopped asking him things before I turned twelve. I ask him a question, and I get a lecture, its easier that way. 　
　　Keisha, she used to know me. We were tight until…the talent show, when she burst out of the hall way, never looking back. She left, just like everyone else did. 　
　　The only one that’s real cool is my younger brother, Monty. He can really make me smile. But too bad, he’s only six. And what can a six year-old do? He was silly enough to put a dragon in a jungle and tears on a tiger. You know what I’m saying? And he insisted that the tiger and the tears were supposed to represent me and my pain. I ain’t no tiger, and I ain’t got no pain. 　
　　No pain. I’m just…cold. 　
　　Do you think Robbie is cold? Seriously, it could be real freezing up there. My geography teacher told me that places with high elevation has low temperatures. Is Robbie lonely? Will there be basketball up there in heaven? 　
　　I dreamt of Robbie, demanding me to go up, go up to keep him company. 　
　　Aw what am I thinking? Robbie is dead. He’s dead for god’s sake. And I killed him. 　
　　It’s all my fault…… 　
　　I can’t take this anymore. I feel like the pain is crushing my guts open. 　
　　Last night, I stood there on the mountain. I became sort of hypnotized by the slick whistling of the cars as they rushed beneath me. And I wanted to jump. I just felt like I should be down there, like if I were part of that fast moving rush, I wouldn’t feel anything anymore and everything would be cool again. 　
　　Oh man. Only if I never existed. Never existed……I wish I could sleep for ever. 　
　　It’s not that I want to die; it’s just that I can’t stand the pain of living anymore. I just want the hurt and pain inside to go away. It’s like a monster in my gut- eating me up from the inside out. Actually, I feel like the only thing that’s keepin’ me from going crazy is this terrible terrible pain. 　
　　I’m sorry for all I’ve done- so sorry…so very, very sor— 　
　　[Shouts of desperate.]  　
　　It’s dark where I am 　
　　And I cannot find the light. 　
　　There are shadows all around me 　
　　And my heart is full of fright. 　
　　Everyone is cheerful 　
　　They can never see 　
　　That storm clouds are forming 　
　　Upon the peaceful sea. 　
　　I cannot see the future 　
　　And I cannot change the past 　
　　But the present is so heavy 　
　　I don’t think I’m going to last. 　
　　[A letter to Andy] 　
　　Dear Andy: 　
　　You are probably on your way to the heaven, where there would be no pain, forever. 　
　　But don’t you see, life isn’t perfect, but it’s at least life! There are tons of people out there trying to survive, and you took your life for granted!  　
　　Andy, you silly fellow. Why did you do that? Why do you still blame yourself for something Robbie will forgive you for? 　
　　You didn’t die in that car crush for a reason, god needed you down here with us. But what have you done? You’ve taken away every single hope of ours. 　
　　Suicide is the coward way out, brave man face their problems, and what does that make you? Death isn’t the solution and it will never be. What were you thinking when you held your father’s shot gun in hands? Did you ever think about your parents? Your family and friends? What would they feel? Yes, I admit, it’s your life and you can decide to take it or not. But it’s also connects other people’s feelings, and you have no rights to hurt them, but hurt them anyways. 　
　　There are things beyond our power to control, and we can’t do anything about it. 　
　　If you feel depressed, wreck it. Cry, and you’ll feel all lightened up. Who says tigers don’t cry? It’s just that tigers don’t cry in front of people other people. Andy, there are no shame in tears.